Wednesday, 17 December 2014

Broody?

Lately I have been feeling a little bit broody again, but it feels weird. It feels different this time. I feel broody and then remember what happened with Rocco and freak out. The fear of ever being pregnant again is quite overwhelming.. the thought of having to spend 9 months living in fear is a thought that will never be easy and I don't think we will ever be ready to take that journey 100%.

Sienna newborn.

But that journey will happen. 

We are sure we want to try for another baby but not yet. We have decided no babies before the wedding but hopefully as soon as the wedding is over, we will both feel ready to see what happens. 

It may seem like we have 'forgotten' Rocco easily but we haven't forgotten him at all and there isn't a day I don't think about him or wonder what he would have looked like, sounded like, slept like...
It feels odd we don't already have two babies in our house. When I got pregnant the first time this year in February, the baby was due around the end Oct/beginning of November and ever since Sienna's 2nd birthday, I feel like I have really felt the loss of our pregnancies even more so. Christmas I feel is going to be even harder as with all 3 pregnancies that have happened this year (feb, june, july), I should have a new tiny squishy baby or been at least 6 months pregnant.

I find myself when I'm out shopping or on a walk with Sienna, thinking 'that should be me' when I see  another mum with a toddler and newborn/bump. I find myself in the house playing with Sienna thinking we should have a new baby to play with or a big bump to look after. I also get scared of strangers making comments like 'soon be time for another one' when we're out and about. It has happened once so far and I smile and say 'soon' but walk away and feel a bit heartbroken if I'm honest. I feel like strangers look at us and think we are 'mean' for having her as an only child, but they don't know we haven't tried 3 times this year already.

But we have hope that the right time will come. Sienna will be the best big sister when the time comes wether it's 3 years or 13. We just need to get to there...

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If you follow The Radford Family on Facebook, you will know that they went through the same thing with their Alfie. I have so much admiration for Sue Radford, she carried on filming, looking after her kids and herself all while dealing with the grief of losing her baby. It's a hard thing to do.. I struggled to just look after myself, Sienna and Warren, let alone if I had 16 other kids. And now they have just announced they are pregnant with baby number 18.. amazing! She is an inspiration to anyone who has been through this and I wish them all the luck in the world. Atterley road asked me to share who is my inspirational #ARWOMAN and I definitely choose Sue. Find out more about their campaign on their blog and also let them know who your #ARWOMAN is on Twitter & Instagram


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