Tuesday, 19 May 2015

Fear

late miscarriage fear


For the past few weeks, I seem to have become a really anxious person. Don't get me wrong, it's not an altogether new feeling.. I'm quite used to anxiety. I worry about the smallest things and always have done, wether it's driving, meeting new people or about money. 

But this felt different.

I couldn't put my finger on it. It was constant fear and worry about something. That constant nervous wreck feeling.. like your insides are physically shaking all the time, along with heart palpitations and sometimes feeling like I couldn't breathe. The other day, I think I may have been close to a panic attack and I had no idea why.

Until it hit me.


Suddenly it all made sense. 
The fear of falling pregnant again.

We have been backwards and forwards on wether to start trying again or not before the wedding next October. We haven't really made a decision as we just can't; we both want another baby yet it's not as simple as that anymore. I guess subconsciously, it's all I'm thinking (and worrying) about. I'm terrified of seeing that positive pregnancy test again but at the same time, it makes me so excited.. the thought that this could 'be the one' that gets us too that end goal; another baby, a family of four.

It's such a roller coaster of emotions.. one day I feel strong and think let's go for it but then the next, I wake feeling full of fear and change my mind. I wish I could forget the fear and worry but as much as I can try, I'll never return to that care free person I was before losing any babies. Losing a baby changes you as a person and I feel like I will always feel a little lost and like a part of me is missing, but I don't want to lose hope on something that means everything.


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