When I first found out I was pregnant, I just kind of assumed I'd breastfeed.
I pictured me with my baby cradled in my arms, he (I was convinced I'd only ever have boys.. look at me now!) would latch straight away and we'd ride off into the sunset and life would be dandy.
How wrong was I.
Nothing could have prepared me for my breastfeeding journey with Sienna. I was totally naive to how hard breastfeeding could be and how much determination it takes. For something so 'natural', it never felt natural to me. All I felt was severe pain and resentment towards my baby who was causing me so much pain.
After 2 weeks of trying, with nipples that were dripping with blood, I finally surrendered to formula as enough was enough.
I have always felt some guilt that I wasn't able to breastfeed Sienna for longer than 2 weeks, I always looked back and wondered if I gave up too soon even though at the time, I knew it was as much as I could take.
When I got pregnant again, I knew I wanted to try and breastfeed but I never expected to do much more than the 2 weeks I did with Sienna. I guess my experience had tainted my views.. I just couldn't imagine breastfeeding being painless or feeling a strong bond.
After having Aria, I latched her on and it just seemed to click. She latched perfectly from the word go and I had barely any pain at all compared to the first time round. The bond came instantly and it is an overwhelming kind of feeling, something I can't explain.
This time round it does feel natural and it has created the most amazing bond between Aria and I and I'm so glad I have got to experience that. On the other hand, I'm sad I never got to experience it with Sienna.
I never expected to be so 'taken' with breastfeeding. I always assumed breastfeeding was just about the feeding but now I know it is so much more than that.
We have been going through some ups and downs with it at the moment but I just can't seem to cut all ties with it just yet. As hard as it can be, I really do love it and this special 'thing' we get together. It isn't as easy as 'just stopping'... the emotions attached to it are so strong and I'm not ready to let them go just yet...