It was a big decision to start trying for baby number 2, the fourth time round.. as you can imagine, the fear of losing another baby was overwhelming, as was the panic of seeing a positive pregnancy test.
When Sienna was a year old and we decided to start trying for another baby, it was an easy decision. It felt right, like the next step to take in our lives and we were excited without really thinking about it. It never crossed my mind anything would go wrong. Another baby? Can't wait, let's go.
But after losing 3 pregnancies last year it seemed to have become much of a bigger deal and questions were consuming me 24 hours a day.
When was the right time? How long should we wait? What if we lose another one? Would we cope with that again?
What if my body still isn't ready? Is it worth the risk? How would I tell our families? Will I ever have another successful pregnancy? Should we just stick with Sienna?
Will I be happy with a 5 year age gap (or longer) if we wait until after the wedding? Will Sienna get too used to being an only child? Will she resent the baby if we wait until she's at school? Will she resent us if she's an only child?
So many questions, so much thinking, so much worrying and so much guilt.
Some days I'd tell myself I didn't want another baby.. think of the sleepless nights, the sickness, the weight gain, the exhaustion, saving money for our wedding day.
But I knew it was only a matter of time before I stopped trying to convince myself it wasn't what I wanted.. nothing can compare to creating a new life.
The excitement of finding out, announcing, watching my belly grow, having scans, feeling kicks and buying new baby things can't come quick enough. I get a bit carried away sometimes, looking online at baby items, seeing what we would buy next time round, even making lists of things I know I want to get. Online4baby and Next seem to be my top hits.
I love the Cosatto giggle carseat and range and I think it's pretty suitable for either gender, although I have never tried anything by them so it would be great to visit the showroom that is coming soon and try them all out... but this all seems so far away.
This second baby has already been wanted for a year and half and yet we are no closer to holding our healthy, screaming baby in our arms and we have no idea how much longer we are going to have to wait. But we know we will keep waiting.
Even though we have made the decision to try, we are more than aware it doesn't mean it's going to happen. We have learnt that it isn't in our hands either way.
All we can do is try and hope once more.
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